SINCE MY LAST COLUMN, I've been flooded with pertinent questions concerning parrot care and behavior. Here, dear readers, are my inpertinent answers:

Q: I'm thinking of getting a parrot. What species is right for me?

A: Excellent question. It depends on what you’re looking for in a companion parrot. Do you want one that talks? Can you afford to care for a bird? Do you have mental health insurance? Read on!

Q: Will my bird talk?

A: Your bird most assuredly will be capable of talking. But your bird, individually, will not talk.

Q: I've heard that parrots are messy. Is that true?

A: This is a very common myth. In fact, parrots are fastidious by nature. For example, give your bird a piece of paper and it will immediately shred it into dozens of tiny pieces that can be stored in the smallest storage space possible. Parrots are the envy of professional organizers everywhere. Parrots also keep themselves impeccably groomed. They spend hours each day removing every particle of dust, dander and loose feather from their bodies. These they distribute over their surroundings in a fine layer of DNA that protects the furniture from scratches.

Q: What size cage should I get?

A: This depends on the species. For example, macaws require a three-bedroom house. Smaller birds, such as conures, will do fine in a two-bedroom apartment. You and your family will live in the cab of the used pick-up truck you bought after trading in your SUV to pay for foot toys and cinnamon-flavored cooked meals.

Q: What should I feed my new bird?

A: Adequate nutrition is essential for the health of your new family member. Therefore, you should stock your kitchen with grains, vegetables, fruits and bird pellets. Your bird will not actually eat any of these things, but you must buy them anyway. In time, you will use them to feed your own family, and let me tell you, kids love fruit-flavored Zupreem! Your bird will eat nacho chips, ice cream, and garlic sticks.

Q: Will my bird bite?

A: Yes. But remember: the more scars you have, especially on the face, the more seriously people will take you as a bird handler. Biting is a self-esteem issue. Yours, not his. Why the hell are you letting a budgie abuse you?

Q: How many toys should I buy my new bird?

A: We are lucky today to have hundreds of sources for safe, entertaining, and educational parrot toys. Experts agree that you should spend a minimum of 90 percent of your disposable income on bird toys.

Once you have filed for bankruptcy, your bird will ignore the new toys and develop a fascination for your universal remote control, which it will groom by removing its buttons.

Q: What kind of medical care will my parrot require?

A: You should take your bird in for a checkup at least every six months. If your bird is exhibiting symptoms of ill health, such as lying on the bottom of his cage with feet in the air, make an appointment with an avian veterinarian immediately. There are a handful of quick and inexpensive diagnostic tests your vet will want to perform. None of these tests will reveal the problem, leaving you to order a dozen of the expensive tests. These tests will prove inconclusive.

Q: How do I bathe my parrot?

A: Parrots love to bathe! Magazines and books are full of pictures of parrots gleefully splashing in the sink. Friends and neighbors will regale you with stories of showering with their birds.

Your parrot will develop a pathological terror of water and will rip your flesh from your bones (see Will My Bird Bite?) if brought near a running faucet. As time goes by, his plumage will take on a bedraggled, unkempt appearance. No matter how well fed he will look like a Chechen orphan. Start looking now for a good lawyer to represent you in court when you're arrested for animal cruelty.

Q: How long will my parrot live?

A: Far longer than you could ever hope for, or desire. Where there's a will, there's a way to stick your brother-in-law with your cranky 85-year-old Amazon after you're gone. That'll teach him to marry into the family! Seriously, talk to your lawyer about setting a little something aside for Petey's care after your earthly cage-cleaning duties are over. Attach a rider prohibiting the little devil from spending it all on Happy Huts. The way your bird goes through cheese sticks and organic peanuts, he's gonna need it.

We hope this Q&A has been enlightening. Next week we address the oft-asked question, “My husband or my bird?”

Marguerite Floyd is a hospital documentation manager, but considers her real job to be slave to three cockatiels, Flash, Nicholas and Sugar Franklin, and a 6-year-old brown-headed parrot named Charli.

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ParrotChronicles.com

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