"TODAY ON DR. PHIL we are going to explore a lifestyle not many of us have experience with: open marriage. Does it work? Can two people see others and remain just as devoted to one another? And what about couples who have allowed a third party to move into the house? This should be interesting. We'll be right back."

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "We’re back, and today, to discuss the challenges of an open marriage, please help me welcome to the show Carol, Bob and Charles."

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "Now, Carol, I understand that it was your idea to bring a third party into your marriage with Bob, is that correct? And your open marriage, in fact, is faltering, unfortunately."

Turning to the audience: "In the second half of the show we’ll bring out a three-way that is working."

Applause.

Turning back to Carol: "Carol, could you tell us how it all started?"

Carol: "It’s not something I planned. I thought Bob was all I would ever need."

She reaches out and pats Bob, a nervous looking man in a suit and tie, on the hand. He smiles wanly, keeping a wary eye on Charles.

Applause.

Carol: "Then 12 years ago, a couple of years after Bob and I were married, I met Charles."

Charles is sitting in Carol’s lap. She strokes him and he turns and nuzzles her face.

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "Charles is what, Carol?"

Carol: "A macaw."

Dr. Phil: "And how did you meet?"

Carol: "At a pet shop. I don’t normally go to places like that anymore. I did when I was younger, hoping to connect. That day I thought I would just stop in for a few minutes on my way home after work. I walked in and that's when I saw him." A smile flickers across Carol's face at the memory, then she glances guiltily at Bob. "I went over to where he was sitting, and he climbed right on me."

Scattered applause. Hoots.

Carol: "We talked for a while. He was very friendly; he was the first to say, 'Hello.'

Bob, exasperated: "For godssakes, he says hello to everyone, Carol. He's a parrot."

Dr. Phil: "Hold on, buddy. Let her finish."

Charles: "Hello!"

Laughter. Applause.

Carol, eyes narrowed at Bob: "Anyway, we talked for a while. It's true, he didn't say much after that, but I could tell he was interested. I could see it in his flashing eyes, which went big, then little, then big, then little…"

"Anyway, I went back the next day, and the day after that to see him. I couldn't stay away, he was the most beautiful male I had ever seen. Finally, he kissed me, on the lips, and then he ran his tongue over my eyelids. His tongue was incredibly dry, by the way. I've never felt anything like it. That's when I knew."

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "What happened next, Carol?"

Carol: "I had to have him. I took him home and introduced him to Bob."

Charles: "Hello!"

Dr. Phil, chuckling: "Bob, what happened after that?"

Bob: "I was okay with it for a couple of years, believe it or not. But now I don't know how I stomached the way they behaved around me. She fed him tidbits from her mouth. He developed some sort of auto-erotic eating disorder, is what I'd call it, where he would throw up on her and she would like it.

"Things went downhill when he started sleeping on our headboard at night. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night choking on bird dander with a tail in your face. Charles was coming between me and Carol and I couldn't take it anymore. That's when I wrote to you, Dr. Phil. Can you help us?"

Dr. Phil: "We’ll find out, right after this commercial break."

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "We’re back, and I’ve got a special treat for Carol, Bob and Charles. We have here today Dr. Susan Fulsome, noted multiple-relationship expert. Her book is I Love You and Him and Him and Her. Can't We All Just Get Along?

Camera pans over a fourth guest, a middle-aged woman sitting in the front row, smiling and nodding at Dr. Phil.

Charles:"Hello!"

Applause.

Dr. Fulsome: "Why, hello, Charles! Aren't you a charmer?"

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "Dr. Fulsome, do you see any hope for Carol and Bob?"

Dr. Fulsome: "There's always hope, Dr. Phil.  Although in this case it's going to take a lot of work.  And, of course, there are never any guarantees."

Dr. Phil: "Carol, why do you think your three-way is faltering now, after all this time? What has brought you to the point of leaving Bob for Charles?"

Carol: "Well, Charles is a lot cleaner and easier to pick up after than Bob."

Bob: "Oh, please! Charles craps down your back!"

Carol:  "At least he doesn't leave beer cans all over the living room floor or drop his underwear in the hallway."

Applause.

Bob:"And what about money?"  Bob turns to Dr. Phil. "We’ve exhausted our savings on wooden blocks and plastic ladders. We've spent a fortune alone on mirrors so this jerk can preen all day. What a narcissist."

Charles:"Hello!"

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "Carol, you want to address that?"

Carol:"I'd rather spend fifty bucks on a toy Charles likes than $11,830 on a boat that just sits in the garage."

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "We'll be back in a minute to see if we can resolve these differences."

Charles leans toward Bob, beak open.

Applause.

Dr. Phil: "We’re back, and Carol, Bob and Charles, we have another surprise for the three of you. We've arranged for a three-week stay at Dr. Fulsome's spa and mental health center in Newark, N.J. Carol, you and Charles will fly first class on American Airlines."

Bob:"What about me?"

Dr. Phil: "Bob, while Carol and Charles are away, improving their relationship, you'll be receiving the bestseller, My Bird, My Friend, and a free telephone consultation with a bird behavior expert who can help you change your attitude toward Charles. Sound good?"

Bob, standing: "No! I came here to get help with my wife, not help Carol run off with some blue-and-gold marriage wrecker."

Charles lunges at Bob and Carol picks up Charles and walks offstage.

Carol, over her shoulder: "Bob, we'll call you from the spa. I truly hope you get the help you need and deserve. Take care of yourself."

Charles:"Hello!"

Applause.

Dr. Phil, shrugging: "Stay with us. After this commercial break, we'll meet a woman, her husband and a moustache parakeet who are very happy together."

Thunderous applause.

Marguerite Floyd is a hospital documentation manager, but considers her real job to be slave to three cockatiels, Flash, Nicholas and Sugar Franklin, and a 6-year-old brown-headed parrot named Charli.

Comments about this story? Send a letter to Mailbag.

ParrotChronicles.com

-------