I'M AT THAT age (and weight) where doctors like to talk to me about the importance of exercise and a healthy diet and while they're at it stick various implements into my body where implements do not naturally go.

They're right, of course, and in deference to them I've designed the perfect exercise regime for all parrot lovers based on the activities of my parrots. You should speak to your own parrots and probably a human doctor or at least a decent vet before beginning any exercise program.

We begin with the all-important stretch. Standing on both feet, slowly lift one arm and the corresponding leg and foot behind you at the same time. Lean an inch or so forward as you do this. Hold for about 30 seconds. Repeat with the other arm and foot (after putting the first foot back on the ground, of course). Not only will this stretch and warm up your muscles, it will also air out your armpits, for which your housemates will be grateful.

Too many exercise programs neglect the facial muscles, but my parrots have the perfect solution. Periodically, scratch your ear with your toes and then yawn eight times in rapid succession. Sneezing may occur during this exercise and should be encouraged. If you're not feeling very cheerful lean your head forward a little, slick down the hair (or skin) on your head, and hiss at the nearest object/person; this will strengthen those all-important air passages.

While we're in the neighborhood of the face, let's not forget the eyes. Turn your head 90 degrees to either side and stare at something, preferably something no one else can see. Do not blink or move. Keep staring for up to three minutes without moving.

To give those neck muscles a real workout, turn your head 180 degrees and preen the skin (or hair, as the case may be) on your back. When you've finished with your back, turn your head back around and preen the skin (or hair) on your chest, working downward to your toes. To finish up, run those long strips of skin (or hair) of your tail through your beak . . . er, teeth. This exercise not only helps your neck but will add luster to your teeth. As an added bonus, try to perform this exercise while sitting on someone's shoulder to enhance your balancing skills.

Speaking of teeth, lip grinding is a nice way to relax. Simply rub your lips (and teeth, if you desire) against each other until you're making a weird noise. It often helps to halfway close your eyes during this.

For those times you're bored, nothing beats a session of heavy arm flapping. It's more enjoyable if there is a lot of loose paper and dust around when you do this, too.

After strenuous exercise you'll want to have a nice bath. Fill the tub with an inch of tepid water and step in. Dip your head into the water and fling it over your back. It helps if you have long hair, but even bald people can do this. Bend your elbows and use a flapping motion to distribute the water all over your body. To dry off, commence preening or wait for someone to wrap you in a towel.

Before leaving the tub, don't forget to take a few long sips of bathwater. It's important that you get enough liquids through the day, and there's no sense in dirtying up a glass when there's perfectly wet water right in front of you, now is there?

My favorite, though, is the five o'clock screech. When I get home from work my parrots greet me with loud bouts of screaming. After the kind of day I usually have at work I always join right in. Sometimes even the neighbors like to stop by during these sessions. I promise this exercise will make everyone feel better.

So there you have it -- the perfect all-body exercise regime for those of us who live with parrots. Repeat all of these exercises daily, and before you know it your doctor will be talking to you about special care reserved for very special people!