With this in mind, I offer here a Gift Guide for People Who Own Parrots. Listen, we parrot owners know that you, our non-parrot-owning friends and relatives, don't "get" our lifestyle. Oh sure, you've come to respect us and want us to have all the same rights as you. But you still believe that pet ownership is between a man and a dog, or a woman and a dog, or a man and a woman and a cat, or a boy and a gerbil, if the gerbil is of legal age.

But I digress. The point is, you just don't know what to get someone who keeps a large flighted animal that poops on the ceiling. That's okay. That's why I've written this guide. Enjoy.

All-Weather Poop-Proof Suit. Made with the same materials as NASA spacesuits, the Poop-Proof protects the wearer from up to five inches of avian deposits. Self-contained breathing and waste-elimination systems mean wearer can enjoy all day without removing the helmet or pants. (Note: Suit weight – 90 pounds. Dolly not included.)

Beak Guard. Three-quarters-inch-thick see-through acrylic helmet can deflect your parrot’s nastiest mood. Let him sit on your shoulder and never again worry about losing an ear lobe, lip or eye. Vents for mouth and nose prevent fogging. Special hinged door allows eating and drinking without risking removal of helmet.

Sound Block. It is natural and normal for parrots to scream, but cotton balls stuffed in the ears are ineffective and unsightly. Sound Block looks like an ordinary pair of headphones, but sends painless sound waves to temporarily deaden auditory receptors. Designed by engineers who also have parrots, this state-of-the-art device is the real deal! Comes with adjustable settings to match the size of bird. (May cause temporary hearing loss.)

Holographic Veterinarian Care Service. All parrot owners know how stressful it can be to drive long distances to take a sick bird to the vet. Say goodbye to all that with the Holographic Veterinarian Care Service. The receiver is a compact device the size of an ottoman. Just place parrot on a perch, turn on the receiver, and punch in the specially programmed number of the participating vet. A holographic receptionist will appear to take your credit card number. A holographic vet tech will then come into the room to take vital signs and weigh your bird. Finally, a tiny vet will appear wearing a long white tunic and sticky buns on the sides of her head, begging, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. ” This will be about as useful as many in-person doctor visits. (Note: availability of holographic technology might lag availability of device by, oh, 50 years.) (Also note: receiver actually is an ottoman.)

Automatic Food Thrower. We all know the trouble our birds go to in order to find that one edible item of food in their dish. In fact, the process of elimination requires throwing absolutely every other piece of food onto the floor. The Food Thrower takes the work out of meal times for your bird. Before he even approaches the specially designed dish, the flinging arm begins its work. Here’s how it works: A hidden scale senses how much food is placed in the dish and the Food Thrower hurls 99 percent of the food out of the dish and onto the floor. Throwing distance can be adjusted from six inches to twelve feet, customizable for each parrot in the home. The Automatic Food Thrower will save your bird countless hours and make it easier for you to schedule clean-up. (Warning: Turn off device or wait until operation is complete before entering room.)

Strip O’ Skin. Even bird owners with the cat-like reflexes of a lame-duck president dodging an Iraqi shoe can suffer from a bite every once in a while. Depending on the size of the beak, the puncture wound can range in size from barely noticeable to a lunar crater, exposing the owner to embarrassing questions from friends and police officers. Strip O’ Skin, a hospital-grade skin graft, covers bites in a jiffy, no questions asked. Just like an adhesive bandage, each antiseptic Strip O’ Skin easily peels off of specially designed paper and can be placed directly on the wound. Available in a wide variety of flesh tones and sizes, including rolls and bales. (Not responsible for intact skin ripped off while removing Strip O Skin.)

Parrot Peace Tablets. These specially-formulated, macaw-shaped tabs deliver the calm you’ve dreamed of! Just one dose treats screech fatigue, furniture decimation nervous syndrome, poopy paper paralysis, and much, much more. More effective than a quart of Kentucky bourbon consumed in one sitting. (Product must be prescribed by licensed veterinarian. Not responsible for comatososity.)

So there you have it, ParrotChronicles.com's first annual gift guide. If there are gift ideas we've missed, be sure to send those in so we can include them in the next edition.

You don't have to thank me for providing this special guide. You may, however, express your gratitude by sending me cash or a government bail-out voucher.

Humor writer Marguerite Floyd is a hospital documentation manager but her real job is slave to two cockatiels and a brown-headed parrot.