SOME GERMAN researchers discovered a couple of weeks ago that dogs recognize human language. Evidently this is huge news to this handful of scientists, who apparently have never seen a dog, much less had one take up residence in their home. What will the scientific community come up with next? Cats are independent?

So a dog recognizes what we say to him. Big deal. A dog knows the word for bone or treat. It's not like we use enormous vocabularies when we talk to dogs - we rarely say more than "bone," "treat," or "good dog!" We don't sit around and discuss the current state of world affairs with our dogs, or at least when we do we don't expect any answers.

Of course, this is absolutely no surprise to you parrot owners - I can see your smug faces right now. You're thinking, "Hey, my parrot not only recognizes human language, but has also given me the secret to balancing the federal budget. Let's see some dog top that!"

I agree, because I, too, have parrots. As I've mentioned before, they don't actually talk to me, but their behavior has assured me that they are the most intelligent creatures on the face of the earth. I say that with only slight reservation, because sometimes my parrots do odd things. For example, Charli, my African brown-head, likes to back herself into the corner of her cage, stick her feet behind her head and flip herself over. It's a pretty neat trick, but she frequently forgets how to get herself untangled.

From dropping in on Internet chat rooms and Usenet I have learned that many of your parrots are also the most intelligent creatures on the face of the earth, even when they are doing odd things. One owner wrote a heartwarming post of how her conure begs for paper plates. When she complies and gives the conure a paper plate, the conure wrestles it into submission, sticks its head under the plate, then rises up like a goddess from the sea wearing a paper plate hat. Perhaps the conure believes herself to be more attractive to potential mates thusly attired. Or perhaps she is just weird.

For extreme examples of intelligence we must go to the cockatoos and macaws. Let's begin with Glacie, whose human slave is named Toni. "Glacie has learned a new trick. She has learned to take the nuts off the screws and take the doors off her cage . . . all the doors. She even understands the process - lefty loosy, righty tighty. She doesn't even bother trying to turn them to the right now. She knows that's not how they work."

Then there's Sydney, the Mollucan cockatoo who got so good at opening her cage latches that her human, Cary, put one of those little 3-roller combination locks on her cage, the kind you put on a suitcase. Within a couple of days, Sydney had learned the combination and "within three minutes she would be out on top of the cage cackling and bouncing up and down, quite pleased with herself."

Alex wrote in to explain how his blue-and-gold macaw liked to open his small food and water doors, until he got bored with how little noise and mess that made. He then decided it was a lot more fun to take the entire door with bowls off and drop the whole works on the floor. Of course, Alex tried using a wrench to tighten the bolts, but you macaw owners already know the result of that.

The next illustration of animal intelligence comes from rec.pets.birds. Another blue-and-gold regularly dismantles her food and water dish holders, ensuring that her human gets plenty of exercise cleaning things up. One day the human left the house with the macaw securely locked in her cage and the cat napping on the window sill. When the human returned the cat was securely locked in the bird cage and the macaw was contentedly preening on the window sill. Let's see a dog top that!

But by far the most chilling example of avian intelligence has been revealed to us by Ellen's lovebird, Pepper. This bird has taken to carrying a plastic dish over her back and head, even eating and drinking with the dish balanced on her body. Ellen has thoughtfully provided pictures of this at http://loveofbirds.com/p&r/Pepper1.htm.

What is so disturbing about this so-called "new" behavior is that Pepper is teaching it to other lovebirds. Between you and me, it looks like these lovebirds are practicing wearing protective gear, such as plastic dishes, that they will need during the coming parrot takeover of earth.

If I were you I would start sticking plastic dishes over my head, too. And maybe one over your dog's head. Just in case.

Marguerite Floyd is a hospital documentation manager, but considers her real job to be servant to three cockatiels, Flash, Nicholas and Sugar Franklin, and a 3 1/2-year-old brown-headed parrot named Charli.

ParrotChronicles.com

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