FIRST OF ALL, I'd like to thank all of you who responded to my last column about my birds not singing or talking. Half of you sent helpful suggestions, while the other half wanted me to know that nothing you had tried worked either. This makes me feel much better, knowing I am in the 50th percentile. Unfortunately, none of the helpful hints have worked, possibly because I haven't tried them yet.

Which, in a typically twisted way, brings me to today's topic, which is: What Are Birds Good For? Let's be honest - birds are nice to look at (usually), but what purpose do they serve? Of course, when I say birds I mean pet birds; wild birds provide many useful services such as eating worms and recycling old twigs into nests and waking you up from a hangover with a cheerful morning song. But pet birds expect you to keep the house worm-free and to supply them (the birds) with new and expensive nesting materials to shred all over the floor and they only snicker at you when you're hung over.

I say it's time we make our pet birds contribute something to our lives and households. I say it's time we stopped giving and giving and giving only to receive fresh piles of poop in return. So to lead us off in the right direction, I've made a list of things that birds can easily do right now, without an expensive college education or even federal funding.

• Use your bird's beak to unscrew things. For example, last year I bought a new office chair and worked for hours putting it together, tightening all the nuts and bolts, and hammering in screw caps flush with the surface so that nothing could get to the bolts and unloosen them. Within five minutes, Charli, my brown-headed parrot, had easily removed all the screw caps and unscrewed all the bolts. Then calmly waited for me to sit down in the chair with no bolts.
• If you're tired of breaking your nails on the layers of plastic encasing today's modern products, turn your bird loose on the dang stuff. Once again, those sharp beaks can come to the rescue, with the added benefit of shiny plastic shards flung places the vacuum won't go.
• Pet birds are amazingly adept at moving objects from one place to another. Whether it's a plastic bottle cap, a spear of asparagus, or your last two quarters for the newspaper, there's nothing like watching it being tugged, thrown, pushed, or dragged to a new, more appropriate position. Such as down the heating vent. Why not harness this dexterity for cleaning up the kitchen after a meal, straightening up your desk, or teaching your bird to move checkers for you?
• Cockatiels are excellent carpet cleaners. Those little beaks can pull seed husks and potato chips from between the fibers better than any vaccum on the market.
• Birds are your ticket to an exciting career in the art world. Molted feathers can be fashioned into fanciful headdresses or exotic dancer costumes. Glue Zupreem, feather dust, strips of newspaper and claw clippings to canvas to create whimsical "found object" pieces. ("I call this Residue of Cockatoo.") Start your own Jackson Pollack revival by allowing your bird to stroll through dinner guests' plates, then set him on a blank canvas. Watch out, New York MOMA!
• Own a thriving home-based business? Can your bird say "hello"? (Sure he can! That's all he can say, the lazy little beggar!) Save money on temp help during busy periods by using your talking bird to answer the phone. What customer wouldn't be charmed to be greeted by, "Step up" or "Poop"?
• Suspect your mate or best friend is trying to poison you? Birds are natural food tasters. Heaven forbid Petey should take a bad burrito for you, but let's face it, he is more than willing to lay down his life for a chance at your grub. Might as well take advantage of it.
• For those of you who sport a beard or moustache, nothing beats a bird for cleaning your facial hair of wayward bits of food. Afterward your bird can comb out each strand barbershop neat! Think anesthesia is for sissies? Many parrots also offer mole and freckle removal.
• Birds are a great boost to the local economy via the vet's office and pet stores, but how about improving your personal economy? Consider training your bird to leave evenly spaced beak marks on the leaves of your houseplants, which you can then sell as rare flora at ridiculously high prices.
• You have a house full of dark, ancient furniture (sometimes known as "antiques"). A bird can turn it into something useful: decorative toothpicks. Nothing sells on eBay like bulk shipments of shredded mahogany or walnut.
• Those pesky telemarketers who ignore the national Do Not Call list can be put right with just one blast of a well-timed parrot screech.
• If economic times are really bad, put your bird to work stealing jewelry from house guests. Sure, you might lose a friend or two. But can you help it if your bird likes carats? I mean really. Anyone with half a brain knows that, to a bird, diamond stud earrings are like a neon invitation: RIP ME OUT WITH YOUR BEAK! PLEASE! No one should go prancing around wearing gaudy bling bling like that to begin with. Teach your bird to palm the loot under a wing until he can meet you for the drop.
• You think your bird is weird, the way he stares for hours at "nothing there." In reality, your house is infested with invisible beings and he is trying to protect you. Be grateful! This is one bird who is earning his keep.

Yes, birds can enrich our lives in a variety of ways. All we have to do is take advantage of their many, many talents.

Marguerite Floyd is a hospital documentation manager, but considers her real job to be servant to three cockatiels, Flash, Nicholas and Sugar Franklin, and a 3 1/2-year-old brown-headed parrot named Charli.

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